Fear

Official IB results to be released in little over 5 hours. For the past few days I've been waking up repeatedly at 3 a.m. to pray. It's never really sunk in, the reality that today is the determining day, the day that everything I've done will finally pay off (or not). I hope for the former, I believe the latter will occur. I'm depressed even before clicking the button. I basically chased something so avidly that I forgot what I was chasing and now the ultimate moment has come. Because I define myself by numbers, by achievements - any little slip or flaw is equivalent to failure. 45. What does it really mean? 0.2% of all IB candidates get that. I need to be in that 0.2% (Preferably in the top 0.01%). See, that's asking too much (Is it?). No point getting awards if I can't get this. I need this (or do I want it?). Same difference anyway, most of the time (as mentioned to Niresh). Ultimately it doesn't really MATTER, everyone tells me, if I get a sufficient score to enter Uni and pursue a medical course. That's all that is required. Ladies and gentlemen, your words are falling upon deaf ears. It matters. It definitely matters. I set a target and that is what I must achieve, against all odds, even if I kill myself in the process (almost did). What occurs along the way is almost immaterial - I run and run and run (literally and figuratively) towards that elusive dream and everything else flies by past me in a blur and I get there and I don't really know what the hell I did or what happened throughout. What will hurt the most if the score is imperfect is the fact that it could be perfect. It definitely could be.

Will it honestly make a difference?

I need to pee.

Note: Bugged mum about it. Her exact words were "Strive for excellence and never perfection."

Obviously she doesn't understand! And she says I have too much quiet time and I need some noise in my life. I don't want noise! I want peace. And the origins of peace and contentment ultimately lie in perfection, because that is what satisfies me. Even though it may possibly never exist. Which is perhaps why I am never happy. I should go exercise now. 7km run not enough taking into account how much I ate today.