Sunday, August 22, 2010
I feel an incessant need to channel this confusion into words in the hope that by their articulation I will be able to find comprehension that remains, not just fleeting moments of inspiration that leave me feeling even more deprived once they depart. I read and write listlessly, driven less by motivation than a basal need to find something to do to occupy my mind. It is a desolate life, and it is the fact that I am not in the least bit worried about the lack of human contact that worries me; not the state itself. It is not just through the night that these ponderous doubts pound me, like a beating to the already dented brain, but they are always there, blurred at the edges yet menacing nonetheless. I am determined, but determined without purpose. What I seek is a higher meaning in a meaningless life inhabited by all these petty people who care so much about the puniness of their pathetic lives.
I want to describe to you how it feels to be scared, to submit not out of love but out of the fear that once what you have is gone there will be nothing else, absolutely nothing left, to follow not out of understanding but out of ignorance, to pretend you have found something and are clinging on to it because you are tired of searching. I need you back in my life and I need you to calm this restless soul. I know you are out there even though I am constantly plagued by all these questions about how do I really know, how do I know really? And when am I going to draw the line?, because I am scared, I am very scared and inside I am like a frightened rabbit running for cover but God I am caught in the headlights and I am destined for a very sad end.
It astounds and shames me that I have lost the definition of what my principles used to be, those sure and steady rules that I knew I could count on and turn back to when everything else became grey. In the pursuit of more knowledge I lost most of what I already had and now there is a gaping hole of emptiness that I am frantically trying to fill with a tangled mess of hope destined for death and a jumble of thoughts rationalised to be reasonable enough to form the foundations of my intellectual self. But the discontent tells me this mass will not suffice and so I am still looking and hoping and waiting, but –
I felt an incessant need to channel this confusion into words in the hope that by their articulation I would be able to find comprehension that remains. But I have not found it.
Posted by SarahSC at 1:06 PM
Monday, July 19, 2010
Today is Monday and I had a lame half-hearted slog in the morning and I don't know whether I should even consider including it in my counter. But perhaps I shouldn't be hitting 80 anymore considering my 30km is in 2 weeks.. 2 freaking weeks and despite all those promises made to run a 30km route at least once the most I've hit was 26 and that was like, last year or something. Lame. But I love Mr. Polar even though my lovely 22ks yesterday was "wasted" because I didn't set the heart rate thing properly (I don't know what my max heart rate is) so it kept beeping when I reached 173 bpm and I was like SHUT UP but it wouldn't shut up, so I pressed stop and then the damn distance got stuck at the 9km mark. Great. But anyway it was a really good last Sunday run spent in good company, challenging but as usual I always win the challenge. Cos I am Sarah the Ah Poh who Ciaks Kau Sai. Yeh bebeh. I can't believe they made a nursery rhyme with such profanity in it.
Anyway Mondays always suck by virtue of them being Mondays. I have 4 days left here on this hot, humid little island and I am not sure what I feel. A bit sad but I honestly think I really need to go back to Melbourne and start getting my life back on track.. Not just workout and eat and workout and eat. Life is more than that, at any rate. My brain is melting into a mass of unidentifiable gooey stuff and the time has come to remould it. I've practiced a bit of Calculus and read the first few chapters about speciation and phylogenetics but it's nothing I didn't know already. I feel like banging my head against a wall to wake me up. Penang just makes you slow and lazy.....
4 more days and the blog shuts down again for the next 16 weeks.. : )
Posted by SarahSC at 11:38 AM
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Pace wasn't so blistering today. I think last week was just a test drive. Kept with him for the first 18km then I sped it up during the last hill. Bye bye!
Oh, and I have a new lover.
His name's Polar RS800CX.
And he's all mine.
Posted by SarahSC at 9:42 AM
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I can't even walk properly
See lah this is what you get when you try to run at an insane pace for 20+ km with a man who runs like a greyhound + antelope combined
I am feeling the terrible aftermath of my competitive streak
But I live by the principle of survival of the fittest
And I must either be really crazy, or just plain fucking stupid
Cos' I went for a 14 k (albeit slowly) this morning,
and I almost stepped in dog shit because I couldn't react fast enough to avoid it.
The pain is unbearable when I walk,
but it becomes numb when I run.
Therefore, running is ok.
(yes Sarah keep repeating that to yourself until you really injure something)
Posted by SarahSC at 9:53 AM