So I slept for 12 hours which is (a) the first I have done in a couple of years (b) a very bad thing
Slept at 2 something a.m. (no idea why)
I am progressively arrested at Exercise 24C.2 (Derivatives of Circular Functions and Related Rates) because I suddenly felt like blogging which is (b) a very bad thing.
I seriously have no idea what is happening to me - I honestly feel like I am losing control over the things I used to be able to control. From being unmovable and implacable I have been reduced to an emotional, pathetic sop. It has become apparent to me that beneath my robotic facade, this girl has feelings too. Wouldn't it be better just to not have feelings? It would make everything so much easier because 90% of the time, feelings are constituted of sadness and anger and hurt and disappointment. And even when the nice ones come it's not enough, never enough to undo all of the past that remains on the fringes to haunt. Tiring, no. Not a question, but a statement. I am a living testament of a burned out, over worked obsesser who pushes too hard and expects too much of herself and others. I know this and yet I am powerless to change. I want to dig a little hole and curl up and sleep for a long, long time (I will run in my dreams, and it will be good). Right now I don't want any colour and I want everything in black and white and shadows. I've discovered parts of myself I can't begin to comprehend what more appreciate and it is unsettling to mind and heart. I've discovered parts of others I can't begin to comprehend what more appreciate and I feel angry. Anger is a Gift.
Body clockwork ticking out of tune. Minutes fly by and then the seconds come slowly. Do you realise that there is no present because when I speak of present it has already become past. There is no way of pinpointing a definite now, a definite I-know-I-am-here-at-this-precise-moment because the instant you think that thought it's gone.
Self-deprecation is (c) a very good thing. Thus far I have managed to displace all my frustration and rage onto two of my toenails which are no longer toenails but messed up pieces of flesh and skin and cuticle.
I want to write like I used to write when all I did was muse and the words flew out like butterflies and I caught them with my piece of string. But now all the butterflies are dead and I think I've torn their wings.
I am a ghost with a skull that has empty sockets for eyes and I am a corpse that remains to haunt no one but myself and I am afraid of only myself and God's anger because I am a sinner
[shuts the door and
you shall hear no more]
This is a very disturbing post
3 comments:
it was slightly disturbing, but completely understandable. almost everyone has been where you are right now. feel better!
i disagree with you, though. 90% of our emotions are not negative. or else we would be futureless suicidal tragedies.
my advice is to drop everything. all your old habits, all your old activities... just for a couple weeks. do everything backwards and upside down. wear clothes you never do, make new friends, try new things. do something you have wanted to do for a while, but never found the time to. take a day trip.
believe me, burnout syndrome will disappear in a snap!
I agree with you about being emotionless. Emotionless is underrated when you feel overwhelmed by emotions. They just take over your life, and never goes away. But we must understand emotions are not the be all and end all. Those emotions are driving you nuts. Breathe, relax, chill out... Regain some of your lost control.. but stil understand that you cannot always be in total control of things. That's just not the way the world works. If you seek control too much, and when it disappears, you get posts like these.. hehehe.
But know, that there are always people around to help! Its not the end of the world..
Don't kill your toenails... Won't it hurt during running? Take your anger out on something LESS painful. like a punching bag?
No I like hurting my toenails it feels good :D
and wei I feel really sad all over again
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