I have moved

I have moved:

http://run-like-an-animal.blogspot.com/

One of those erratic posts

I feel an incessant need to channel this confusion into words in the hope that by their articulation I will be able to find comprehension that remains, not just fleeting moments of inspiration that leave me feeling even more deprived once they depart. I read and write listlessly, driven less by motivation than a basal need to find something to do to occupy my mind. It is a desolate life, and it is the fact that I am not in the least bit worried about the lack of human contact that worries me; not the state itself. It is not just through the night that these ponderous doubts pound me, like a beating to the already dented brain, but they are always there, blurred at the edges yet menacing nonetheless. I am determined, but determined without purpose. What I seek is a higher meaning in a meaningless life inhabited by all these petty people who care so much about the puniness of their pathetic lives.

I want to describe to you how it feels to be scared, to submit not out of love but out of the fear that once what you have is gone there will be nothing else, absolutely nothing left, to follow not out of understanding but out of ignorance, to pretend you have found something and are clinging on to it because you are tired of searching. I need you back in my life and I need you to calm this restless soul. I know you are out there even though I am constantly plagued by all these questions about how do I really know, how do I know really? And when am I going to draw the line?, because I am scared, I am very scared and inside I am like a frightened rabbit running for cover but God I am caught in the headlights and I am destined for a very sad end.

It astounds and shames me that I have lost the definition of what my principles used to be, those sure and steady rules that I knew I could count on and turn back to when everything else became grey. In the pursuit of more knowledge I lost most of what I already had and now there is a gaping hole of emptiness that I am frantically trying to fill with a tangled mess of hope destined for death and a jumble of thoughts rationalised to be reasonable enough to form the foundations of my intellectual self. But the discontent tells me this mass will not suffice and so I am still looking and hoping and waiting, but –

I felt an incessant need to channel this confusion into words in the hope that by their articulation I would be able to find comprehension that remains. But I have not found it.

New Hair

Aerodynamic : )

Monday Blues

Today is Monday and I had a lame half-hearted slog in the morning and I don't know whether I should even consider including it in my counter. But perhaps I shouldn't be hitting 80 anymore considering my 30km is in 2 weeks.. 2 freaking weeks and despite all those promises made to run a 30km route at least once the most I've hit was 26 and that was like, last year or something. Lame. But I love Mr. Polar even though my lovely 22ks yesterday was "wasted" because I didn't set the heart rate thing properly (I don't know what my max heart rate is) so it kept beeping when I reached 173 bpm and I was like SHUT UP but it wouldn't shut up, so I pressed stop and then the damn distance got stuck at the 9km mark. Great. But anyway it was a really good last Sunday run spent in good company, challenging but as usual I always win the challenge. Cos I am Sarah the Ah Poh who Ciaks Kau Sai. Yeh bebeh. I can't believe they made a nursery rhyme with such profanity in it.

Anyway Mondays always suck by virtue of them being Mondays. I have 4 days left here on this hot, humid little island and I am not sure what I feel. A bit sad but I honestly think I really need to go back to Melbourne and start getting my life back on track.. Not just workout and eat and workout and eat. Life is more than that, at any rate. My brain is melting into a mass of unidentifiable gooey stuff and the time has come to remould it. I've practiced a bit of Calculus and read the first few chapters about speciation and phylogenetics but it's nothing I didn't know already. I feel like banging my head against a wall to wake me up. Penang just makes you slow and lazy.....

4 more days and the blog shuts down again for the next 16 weeks.. : )

Pace wasn't so blistering today. I think last week was just a test drive. Kept with him for the first 18km then I sped it up during the last hill. Bye bye!

Oh, and I have a new lover.

His name's Polar RS800CX.

And he's all mine.

Ah Poh Ciak Kau Sai's Calves

I can't even walk properly

See lah this is what you get when you try to run at an insane pace for 20+ km with a man who runs like a greyhound + antelope combined

I am feeling the terrible aftermath of my competitive streak

But I live by the principle of survival of the fittest

And I must either be really crazy, or just plain fucking stupid

Cos' I went for a 14 k (albeit slowly) this morning,

and I almost stepped in dog shit because I couldn't react fast enough to avoid it.

The pain is unbearable when I walk,

but it becomes numb when I run.

Therefore, running is ok.

(yes Sarah keep repeating that to yourself until you really injure something)

Stupid girl

Mr. Paul the Octopus

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╲╲╲╲╲┃┊◒◒ ┊ ┃╱╱╱╱╱

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┃╭╮╭╮╭╮╭╮╭╮╭╮╭╮┃

┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃

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Wired

Instead of lamenting about the considerable amount of my lack of work I should just STFU and actually do some. Less QQ, more pew pew indeed.

pew pew

1. Sound made by lasers, usually related to Star Wars

2. Owning a person, usually related to World of Warcraft

"wow those lasers sounded like pew pew on the surround sound"

"dude you just pew pew his ass down!"

For want of a better thing to do I was putting cream on my hand because I wanted something better to do. So I was reading the back of the tube:

"Pudy's comfort cream is specially formulated to soothe tender skin. It also forms a moisture barrier to help protect a child's delicate skin from irritation."

Directions: Apply as needed to help prevent nappy (diaper) rash.

WHAT. THE. ?

And you know what? I have nothing else to say. This lack of eventful occurences in my life is severely depressing. I can't even last more than a couple of lines speaking about how mundane my sorry existence is right now.

Niresh, you'd better be right about me getting used to it the next time round.

Goals

Since I have nothing else to do to occupy brain space here's a list of things I want to achieve by the end of this year:

• Complete my first marathon
• Do it in less than four hours
• Pierce my eyebrow and/or lip
• Explore Melbourne PROPERLY
• Get 100 for Calculus
• Hopefully get something close to 100 for all my other subjects as well (which is technically what I did this sem but THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT)
• Publish my book! I've been saying this for so long now but I just really never got round to doing it. Everything is ready, I just need to contact the publishers.
• Do something outrageous with my hair
• Do another running photo shoot in Princes Park (I need Saw Kylie for this)
• Take up photography, or at least learn how to take good pictures
• Visit India
• Volunteer at an orphanage or some such place!
• Get some work experience - earn my own money for once!
• Buy something really really nice with that said earned money (i.e. another pair of Frees?)
• Learn how to just say NO when I want to say no!

Ok there's like lots more but my parents are bugging me to go out with them; shall add more later

Freudian Slips

It's like when you say one thing, but mean your mother

How Ah

CUT OR DON'T CUT LAH?!?!!?

Restless

Why am I so restless?

And why am I not satisfied with my marks? > : (

Results

Just got all my results

BULLSHIT

I am not first

This annoys me no end

Home

My pace is so messed up! I feel like I am moving through treacle. The air is thick and hot and heavy. I don't even need to warm up. But the sweat feels good. And Malaysian wind is puny compared to Melbournian wind. Went for a nice run at Gardens this morning. The arches are horrendous. Insulting, really. Gardens feels really really small. I have no idea how I used to do my 20 rounds. I got so bored after 4. So it's back to the smell of longkang, old chinese ladies talking about the price of fish, and mosquitoes. And boys on motorbikes who act like they've never seen a girl before.

And everyone is saying I have put on weight!!!!!!!!!

Which is a good thing I suppose.

O WELL

little red

baby's shoe,

always wondered why it was there.

orange sky

like marmalade,

against black toast

(tombstone heads)

thinking about

nothing at all,

really

maybe the way

water squirts

under my shoe.

new shoe

(with neon pink laces)

i may look like

i am jogging but

i assure you sir

i am running sir

oh my god

get out of the way bitch

and you too,

owner-of-said-bitch

blocking my path

with your poo

i can smell

coffee and bread

from the house

across the street

i

wonder if

the little boy has woken up yet.

Homeward Bound

Had my last run in Melbourne today. Just let my legs lead me wherever they wanted to go. To all the people tucked in their warm blankets on a freezing Saturday winter morning with a good book and hot coffee... Fuck you. I admire your determination to stay in bed. If I had enough will power I could probably do it too. But when the feet want to pound pavement, ain't nothing you can do about that. Had the dark streets to myself. Passed the graveyard on Lygon. In pitch darkness I always love the feeling when I run past the graves. It is half fear and half exhilaration - the wind is always extra strong in this area and I keep visualising that it is the dead souls forming an invisible fence pushing me backwards. It is at once thrilling and frightening. Past the graveyard now and along Park Street. I never fail to notice that, dangling from one of those telephone lines, is a single baby's shoe. I wonder how it got there. It is bright red.

On my way home a rainbow appeared. And not one of those that end halfway in the sky, but a full rainbow. End to end. I won't say it gave me hope, because it didn't. I don't believe in that sort of crap. But I did appreciate it.

I am currently reading a book called "Things I've Been Silent About" by Azar Nafisi. It's one of those books that you can't help but hurry through eagerly because you want to know what happened and then you get close to the end and regret that you didn't take more time to enjoy it. The book is poignant and touching in some parts; melodramatic in others. I like it. It is my kind of book. She describes with personal detail the oppression of women in Iran during the Islamic Revolution, how her father was unjustly jailed, and the falling apart of her dysfunctional family. She is very beautiful.

In about 12 hours I will be on a plane. And that plane is going to take me back to the best place on Earth. In my opinion anyway.

Ask Yourself

Why am I doing this?

If you can't give yourself a good answer

then you probably shouldn't be doing it

(woman)

she is

the backbone

that bends so flexibly but

does not break, the

fragile thing that bears

more weight than he

could ever hope to carry,

she is

the contradiction in the

thinness of a seashell,

years have calcified her

apparent weakness into

stone

she is

what all other women secretly

want but are

ashamed to be,

because they are

preoccupied with the

art of self-painting

yet

all i see in his eyes is anger,

and all i see in hers is love

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Poetry

Where has it gone? No longer seamlessly sewn; only jagged stitches now. Goddamn needle keeps pricking me.

pathetically mismatched and incoherent

i want my words back

Resurrection

I resurface...

Hello world

There Is No Title For This Post

The countdown has almost reached its conclusion: the bags are packed, the letters sealed; the hugs have been given, the farewells said; pictures have been taken, the last tears shed. There is an inexplicable concoction of emotions running through my veins - a fusion of imminent sadness at leaving this place I call home, along with a throbbing excitement as I anticipate the unpredictable future. Even though that's what I hate the most - unpredictability. I like straight lines, clear-cut rules, exact numbers, controlled thoughts, perfect scores. I leave no room for allowances. But what now? Carrying forward this punctilious nature with me, I risk facing my new life with uncompromising inflexibility, which is precisely what I've been trying to break away from. Yet do I know any other way? This exercise in circularity is what keeps me going. This rigid and rigorous method of self-government. Where there is no space for reward. Where everything is calculated and planned. I'm not a bloody calculator. So why can't I stop calculating? The basic fundamental beauty of being human is the ability to change and evolve and grow. Plasticity. But this child remains static in her failure. Well, I suppose I always did want to be a machine. Unstoppable; indefatigable. But sometimes, sometimes I can hear something calling out to me. I think it's my body. I think it's trying to be heard. But I have no time to stop and listen. And so I snuff out the voices, silence the calls, muffle the whispers. Until there is nothing left except complete nothingness. And this is where I float. There is no rest, save in the reliability of my fixedness. But the fixedness itself causes unrest because I cannot break free. I cannot explain this paradox to you. One must live it and breathe it to understand it.

To My Neighbours

the tiny sliver

of patchworked

midnight

hugged closely the

contours of dawn

in the few moments

between today and tomorrow;

yesterday and today.

when light filters in

so weakly like

a dying lamp

and the sky is

a blurry grey;

when shadows melt

into each other

coalescing into a

shapeless figure of the

here-and-now,

i am unafraid,

and so you will hear

those familiar pattering

footsteps pass all

your closed doors.

11 days

Did my second last solitary long run this morning. It was so nice. The street lights lit up for me, one by one, majestically - lighting the pre-dawn darkness. My feet traversed familiar roads, turned well known corners. I knew as I passed each drooping tree that this was my way of saying goodbye; by sharing this morning with them, by being part of Nature itself. And I know that in the future, no matter where my legs take me, only this place can I truly call Home. For it is home indeed. Irreplaceable. Distinct from all other places. I am capturing snapshots, fleeting glimpses of these people and places I love: the intermittent swaying of the palm tree outside my neighbour's house on a windy day. My fat cat lying stretched out on the pavement. The naked statue in the huge Japanese house. The distant specks of fishermen's boats along the curve of Gurney Drive. Someone's laugh, caught midway. A pat on the back. A friend tucking my hair behind my ear. Twinkling eyes. A gorgeous smile. Bike number 3! All these small things. I am bound, not by obligation, but by memory.

Bloody Insects

I hate insects. Bloody insects. Dah la everytime I run the stupid wriggly caterpillars hanging from the trees on their stupid transparent string made from saliva or whatever keep landing on me and making me jump in fright and scream in horror and upset the rhythm/pace/breathing. And then if I decide to use my mouth and nose to breathe for more oxygen, blady small black flying things always fly into my damn mouth. I don't want to eat you lah stupid even though you are high in protein and contain 11 vitamins. Then just now I was taking a nice nap on my nice bed and suddenly was woken up by intense pain on my damn leg and to my bewilderment my hand was on my leg and I felt something squirming and I looked and there was a blady fat millipede or centipede the stupid red one with millions of legs on my poor leg which I have only two of and it was freaking biting me. ON MY OWN BED! THE BLADY NERVE OF IT! And I was so nice and didn't even kill it! I took it out nicely on a piece of paper and then I flung it far and wide into the garden with my strong muscular arms. I hope it died from the blady fall. Stupid blady milli-centipede. Then I went and sprayed my room with insect repellent until I almost suffocated.

Bai

My Idol

Swift, strong and elusive

Meet: The great Pronghorn antelope that can run up to speeds of 96 km/h, and sustain this over long distances and across rough terrains. When running, they get lower and lower to the ground - stretching as far as they can with each step. Pronghorn antelopes always keep their mouths open when they run, saving energy by curtailing the resistance of expelled air.

Run like an animal.

Random

I need more words in my blog.

3 weeks..

I have planned and packed nothing.

In fact I keep buying more things (completely unnecessary).

Like yesterday I went and bought 9 pieces of wrapping paper.

For those of you who don't already know, I am a collector of wrapping paper.

Yep, complete waste of money.

And then I went and bought a faded purple high-waist skirt from MNG which I will never wear (except maybe to parade around my room with, and which Sarah B can attempt to stuff herself into :P)

O ya she gave me a Marc Jacobs bag yesterday tee hee!

Eh pleaseeee go listen to all things Bob Sinclair.. Absolutely wonderful house music. iLove!

And I also love Lily Allen now thanks to Jas.

Two completely different genres of music :P

I missed my morning runnnnnnnnnnn and the weather looks so good today.. Useless I am. Going for RPM in about 20 minutes.

Oh oh Nadal playing today at 4 p.m. :) Channel 813 people!

Ok anyway I should go continue reading my story book because I have 17 unread books left which I cannot lug with me to Melbourne. Unnecessary weight.

BAI

P.S: My mum is going to go complain to JPA because:

(a) There are some JPA scholars going to Monash Uni for medicine.

(b) They only allowed me to choose between Melb Uni, Sydney Uni, or ANU to do medicine even though I got into UNSW and UWA as well

(c) Those three unis are all graduate entry for medicine

(d) Therefore I must do a double degree

(e) Therefore I will have to spend another 2 extra years in uni

(f) Therefore my bond is longer

I mean I am already being pinalised by having to obtain two degrees and then I have to go through all the nonsense of reapplying for a Medicine scholarship because it's a double degree program.. And you know at first they wouldn't give me a scholarship because they said "it's graduate entry, our country doesn't recognise it" but then how do you expect me to do medicine if you only allow me to apply to unis with graduate entry requirements and then you say "we don't accept double degree programs"? So my mum had to go meet this person and that person and make a big fuss so finally they approved the double degree thing so I got my scholarship, but still it's only for Biomedicine, and that is not enough. And then here there are people going to Monash or whatever for undergraduate medicine without having to go through all that fuss. Pfffft.

Run Like an Animal

For Mum

Happy birthday to the most gorgeous woman in the world.. I love her so, so much. I was planning to give her my book "Letters to my Mother" (compilation of daily letters to her) but then decided to save it for our last day together in Melbourne. So I baked her apple crumble instead. She is wonderful in every conceivable way and is so very patient with all my nonsense, always forgives me, and loves me unconditionally.

Foetus

Shoulders so

delicate like

little buttercups,

paper-thin skin

like silk.

And the lightly

patterned blue

veins, like

tiny streams.

Slowly forming fists,

pink fingers curled

inwards.

(and beating heart,

gentle, yet

so fiery,

so full of life!)

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090110

Birthdays

7th January seems to be a pretty popular date... First we have:

My dad! Happy birthday dad.

Thanks for first instilling in me the love for running, for so meticulously choosing my organic fruits and veggies and spending RM2.5k a month on my food alone, and for always saying 'yes' when we go shopping. Heheheh!!

Next, Grandma. She has no idea what a blog is (not that my dad does either) but anyway I LOVE YOU GRANDMA.. You're the absolute coolest.

Yes, my friends. That is my pimpin' Grandma, who is 80 years old today. She dances and goes "nip nip nip" too when she wants to say something but forgets what.

And finally.. My gym companion, confidante, and late night/early morning chat buddy.. Pin!

Have a great day guys! :)

Happy New Year!

It feels so weird writing 2010 instead of 2009.

101010 HERE I COMEEEEE!!!!!