Glimpses of 2009

It has been a beautiful year. Thank you everyone, for everything. Goodbye 2009! A chapter closed, but imprinted eternally in memory.

Reflection

Looking back on 2009, perhaps I should make a summary of all the main things that happened this year. There are only 11 (almost 10) days left of it and it is perhaps inevitable that one feels a certain sense of sadness, of loss, at the passing of one year into the next. Even though the measurement of time is such an abstract concept, there is something infinitely concrete about labeling this year as 2009, and closing it - done and dusted, to face the coming new year with a messy concoction of feelings.

Well the early parts of the year were spent preparing for the IB exams. I pretty much shut myself into a little hidey-hole as my family and friends can testify to. I learnt so much from the IB. Both in terms of academic syllabus and also about life in general (and how to organise my own). I miss studying and working the way I used to. 7 months spent sans intellectual stimulation is a form of mental torture. So anyway, I took the exams, didn't get the perfect score I wanted, entered depression mode for several weeks, and finally managed to pull myself out of it. I realised that life really does have to go on whether or not you miss by one point. I can say that this certainly helped:

Due to the fact that I had so much free time on my hands, I frequented the gym like, well, a gym freak. Gym is awesome. There is nothing more satisfying than working up a sweat and screaming your lungs out in RPM (for me it seems that my mouth works more than my legs). And I've got a great bunch of gym buddies who make the daily experience so very fun. I made a lot of new friends and bonded in the way that only fitness freaks can.

And my love for running was certainly positively reinforced by all the events I took part in. I used to shun competitive sports (I still do) but the occasional race really does give you that extra motivation and commitment to push just a little further.

Powerman 2009, our team Airborne got second place:

Tanjung 10km Run, I got first place in the Women's Open:

Penang Bridge International Marathon, I came fifth in the Women's Open:

And all the little things that happened this year: Finding a new love for trance music, getting my first iPod, making new friends, discovering things about myself, learning to accept, learning how to be grateful, finishing the compiling of my book of poetry (to be published soon, people!), developing my writing techniques, receiving presents from people, making presents for people, going for holidays, spending time with my family, going for parties, having quiet nights in, having late night chats with some of the most wonderful friends I could ask for, falling down, getting up, crying, smiling, laughing, learning, sighing, breathing, running, being. It is good to be alive. And may the coming year be even more exciting and challenging as this one was. Here's to a new adventure; my new life in a foreign place.

The Lioness

she is draped

lazily over a warm

slab of grey

rock heated gently by the Sun.

eyelids half-closed heavy with the heat;

soft padded paw curled

almost like a fist.

and two spiraling flies

buzzing around her eyes,

caused a flick-of-the-tail

(or two).

she is Proud

like no other lion can be Proud:

for she is the Hunter,

the Gatherer, the Carer,

the Wise,

the Guardian, the Protector,

the Mother.

she watches as

her young frolic on the

burnt plains;

a smirk playing gently

at the corners of her

lips as she knowingly

observes those pale

brown figures hiding

pathetically behind

tufts of grass,

she almost Laughs

(do they think she cannot

see them in their

khaki shorts and

tourist hats?)

she lies unabashedly naked,

her golden fur glinting

in the light, she

needs no melodramatic

mane or roar -

for all her Power lies

in her stealth,

in her silence.

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Comments

I FIGURED OUT HOW TO ADD A COMMENTS LINK!!!!!! YAY!!!

The Moth

she is pale like

moonlight,

like a white moth

fluttering in the night.

a fragile thing,

with broken wing,

as thin and torn as

frayed tissue paper.

(but inside her, I sense

a darkness,

a deepness,

a scarlet-crimson stain

from an unstitchable wound,

that bleeds.)

2023

131209 (thanks Daniel :P)

Thought.

Sometimes, broken things are the most beautiful.

I AM BACK

HAI

I'm home.

To be honest it wasn't such a bad experience. I guess everything was toned down what with the hype in the papers and all. But the trainers and facilitators were pretty nice and cool about everything. And it taught me quite a lot about team work. And I realised that despite all the crap in this country, I really love it and I am definitely proud to be Malaysian. There's so much about us that can't be found anywhere else. Don't worry, I'm not brainwashed - just more aware.

Feels good to start working out and drinking coffee again :)

Oh ya I beat all the boys in the 2km run (ya 2km, pathetic right?) and broke their all time record. 8:17! Hahaha.. But it was very hilly and SUPER windy and I didn't feel I was running that fast so I have a feeling the distance was less than 2km. That was part of their fitness test.

I tried absailing for the first time too.. It was pretty cool.

Ok time to go shower.. Will say more when there's more to say.

HAI

WILL BE GONE FOR MOST OF NEXT WEEK AS IT IS REQUIRED THAT I ATTEND A BRAINWASHING CAMP ORGANISED BY JPA IN SOME FORSAKEN PLACE IN SEREMBAN CALLED ULU SOMETHING OR OTHER WHERE ONE MUST SHARE TOILETS AND USE A COMMUNAL BATH. I WILL PERISH FROM LACK OF RUNNING AND VEGETABLES. THIS IS HOW SCHOLARSHIP STUDENTS ARE REWARDED.

BAI :'(

Seems like I haven't written in a while. Don't think I have much to say, really. Last week's mileage was a pathetic 60km. Looks like this week isn't going to be much better. Don't know what is wrong with my right hip flexor. I must run until there is nothing wrong with it. Been spending time feeding my fish in Happy Aquarium, making notes for Biomedicine, and redoing the exercises in my Math HL textbook. I swore I would burn it after IB ended but I'm quite enjoying all the differentiation and trigonometry. I want to leave but I don't want to leave. I'm comfortable with my gym and running routine but I suppose I really ought to move and get somewhere in life? Can't be just about food and exercise and shopping. I need intellectual stimulation. I need mental challenges.

I also feel like buying another pair of running shoes considering the fact that my Frees (both the 5.0 and 3.0 that I use for running) are SERIOUSLY falling apart. The pattern on the sole has been rubbed almost clean away and you can see the rubber almost half a centimetre thinner on the outside of the heel. And apparently, as told to me by several people lately, these shoes don't provide enough support, etc, etc, they are performance/race day shoes, etc, etc. Yah but I love feeling the ground when I run!

Decided to skip this morning's run. Must limit myself to 6 days a week I think. But a day without a run is so damn unproductive and I feel icky. Even with RPM and Pump later. It just ain't the same. What am I blabbering on about now. I want my third breakfast. Bai.

PBIM 2009

:)

Me and My Baby

Made this piece 5 years ago. The love's still burning just as strong, if not more.

It's just me and the road, baby.

Another One in the Bag

Could it have been my Phiten titanium necklace?

:)

Out of Bed and Onto the Road

One day, I am going to run across a desert, along the coast of the sea, up mountains, beside a stream, through a forest, on sand, through sleet and hail and snow, along a rushing river, across plains, next to the side of a cliff, with lightning and thunder in the sky; one day I am going to run at midnight when it is just me and the stars, during the pre-dawn silence that anticipates the coming of a new day, at 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. and 4 a.m.; one day I am going to run next to an antelope, or a cheetah, or whatever I can keep up with. I want my feet to take me where nothing else ever could. They already have. But I am wanting more.

Legs are truly God's greatest gift to mankind.

Hell Yeah!

That's the way I like it!

Powerman 2009 was great. Fun fun fun but super duper hot. Team Airborne came in second but we weren't far behind the first team! Not far at all.

47:03 is a nice number. Or collection of numbers. Don't you think??

Good job to everyone who took part!

POWER(WO)MAN!!

*plays Eye of the Tiger by Rocky*

I must kill the 11km! BUTCHER IT!

I hope I don't get into one of those moods where my legs just refuse to move and my mind does not get "in the zone". This must not happen.

I should go pack. I must bring enough food to last me for 9 meals. (Lunch/Afternoon Tea/Dinner/Supper/Midnight Snack/Breakfast/Morning Tea/Lunch/Snack)

Should I bother bringing my laptop? Maybe I should just bring lots of story books. My laptop is humungous. And I am already bringing one huge frying pan to boil my veggies, my coffee grinder, my coffee press, the big container containing my French Roast coffee beans, two pairs of running shoes (in case), one pair of slippers, two sets of running gear (in case), two (or three) outfits to change into, three cans of tuna, the whole damn box of Weet Bix, a bag of oats, my favourite bowl (which is incidentally very large to fit my veggies into), my favourite plate, a large chopping board, several knives, forks and spoons.

This is why we rarely go on holiday :D

Running Heat in Penang

Runners, runners everywhere! All ages, sizes, shapes, paces, colours! When it's dark, when it's bright, when it's sunny, when it's raining, when it's hot, when it's windy.. We don't care! The running heat has definitely hit Penang. See old friends, meet up with new ones - Running takes you places and gets you associated with people you never would have thought you'd ever be able to click with. Runners! Some wave, some don't. Some stare at the ground, others gaze at the sky. Some steady, some plodding. Some say "GOOD MORNING" with a happy smile, others keep quiet and look the other way. Some listen to music, some use their breathing as the cadence for their stride. But always running. 'Cos we don't ever stop.

It's nice to be a Runner (note R in upper case). Today at almost every corner I turned, I saw runners I know, others that I don't. It's always great to get an encouraging smile or a high-five or a thumbs up or a "Good job!". Or even a surprised and confused "Oh my God you little girl.. You are everywhere! Stop scaring us!"

I think I hit 83km this week.

The funniest part of today was when I had finished running and was sitting down in front of my car parked along Gurney Drive when I suddenly saw two very fast runners looking super steady followed by Sam a few metres behind who was also looking in great form with his recognisable metronome ticking along.

"HI SAM!" I called out.

The first thing he said before any Hello or Good Morning was "CRAZY WAN THEY ALL.. 4 SOMETHING YOU KNOW!" while waving emphatically to the two men in front of him.

Hahahahahah!

I don't know why but I just find that funny.. Sam, if they were running at 4 something pace, that means you were running at 4 something too because you were very close behind them :)

Eye-Opener

Just got back from observing patients in the Physiology Department in GH. They were having a stroke clinic whereby patients who had had a stroke performed various simple exercises. I almost started crying in there. The effort it takes for some of them just to lift a leg. It made me so sad. Imagining myself being like that. Can't even stand up, what more run? And to step onto a 3 inch block. The pure grim determination on their faces when they kept faltering, stumbling, and trying again. Patient husbands, loving wives, waiting around them with bated breath. Never giving up. Never relinquishing hope.

Time to reevalute myself.

What I Really Mean When I Say I Love Running

So I'm known as the crazy little girl who apparently flies on her feet and gets up at insane, ungodly hours to run in the dark. I can't help it - I love running. But what do I really mean when I say I do?

My love for running extends beyond any superficial preoccupation with exercise and 'trying to lose weight' (which is completely unnecessary in my case, anyway). This is why I really dislike the treadmill. Running on treadmills makes me think I am exercising. I do not want to exercise. I want to run. The workout is secondary. Real running is my main concern. I am not saying running on the treadmill is not 'really' running. It is just a totally different concept. On a treadmill, you do not feel the roughness of gravel beneath your feet. You do not have to sidestep the occasional puddle. The coolness on your skin is from the gym's air conditioning and not the early morning moistness in the air. The scenery is static. In front of you are the telephone numbers of the treadmill's manufacturers that you have memorised, and instructions on how to use it (in English and French). There are buttons to make you start, cool down, or stop. The grey belt goes round and round, a repetitive exercise in circularity.

Through running I find solace. It is amazing how movements so simple and basic in nature can give birth to a passion so complex and overwhelming in all its entirety. One foot in front of the other, gentle swinging of the elbows, and feet light on the ground. Body bent slightly forward; minimal rotation of torso. This is dance. This is self expression. Poetry is being created with every step. My lungs and muscles are singing; my heart is going "Hallelujah!" (or "Bloody hell", depending on how much I'm pushing). This is ecstasy. This is absolute love. Everything is on fire. Outside and around me, perhaps the whole world is quiet and dark. Maybe I can hear the sound of a lone bird, or the song of a cicada. But inside me, blood is roaring in my pulsing veins, neurons are firing like machine guns, fibres are pulling and twisting and working together. I am sweating, breathing, and very, very much alive.

Because I love running, everything else has to be accommodated to fit my running schedule. Early mornings are reserved for me-time. My runs are essentially the only time I get to really lose myself in my own thoughts. I feel the release in my legs, and I feel the release in my mind. Each string of constructed memories and intertwined emotions is carefully extricated and relived in my brain. If a problem needs resolving, I don't sleep on it. I run on it. Why sleep, when you can run? To love running is to not care about how messy your hair is and the fact that it's in sweaty clumps, to disregard the amount of dirt on your legs because your heels kick up dust, to relish the fact that you have very few toenails and the ones left are already falling off, and to proudly display the blisters on your toes when you wear high heels.

Running is serious business. There is much that must be taken into account. A huge component would be food. Food is running fuel. Pre-run loading; post-run reward. Extremely necessary. Not always enjoyable to wake up at 3 a.m. and stuff my face, but it is required for performance. So what is required must be done. Then there is the calculation and spacing out of mileage. How much is too much? Is anything ever enough? Running is mathematics, in a way. Numbers must be balanced, equations must make sense. Problems must be solved. Solutions must be found.

I love running because it goes beyond physical. In fact, running is primarily mental and spiritual for me. No doubt I derive pleasure from the physical aspect of it: The unbreakable rhythm of my bodily movements, the endorphins swimming around in my system, the burning in my calves and thighs when sprinting up a hill, the relief in my legs after finishing a long run. But the ultimate satisfaction is internal. With running there is often chastising of self for not 'doing enough', feeling guilty for missing runs, cursing the weather when it rains and you've already planned and mapped out a whole lovely long route but God, now the whole schedule is going to go awry, etc, etc. Yet with running there is also much room for self-praise, personal gratification, a sense of purpose, and much more besides. I am lucky. I have found meaning for my life through running. Running is not only a passion. It is a lifestyle.

Running is my disease, but it is also my cure.

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Nonsense

(Sing to the tune of Old MacDonald had a farm)

Old MacSarah loves to run

E I E I O

But while she ran she had some pain

E I E I O

Pain pain here,

Pain pain there,

Pain here pain there

Everywhere pain pain

Old MacSarah loves to run

E I E I O

Thoughts

I thought this thought 6 times this morning: The best part about running hills is when you get to the almost-top part and your legs are on fire and you've almost reached muscle failure but then you give the final push and the burn in your muscles propels you forward; calves, hamstrings and quadriceps and hundreds of other muscles you never knew you had all pushing you to the crest. And then it's downhill all the way and you don't have to do anything: Just fly.

I am getting very very bored of Gardens. It's so predictable. I know the position of every tree, shrub and soon this will probably extend to blades of grass.

Yesterday I had a nice lunch at Miraku with Sun Nee, Pin, Aunty G and her friend Angelina (Quote: You must always dress up before going out. Rain has a damn sexy butt.) Thank God the salads were huge to satisfy my cow's appetite. I don't normally eat out because I find it a bit difficult but yesterday I just let go. Laughed a lot. The two aunties are so funny. Oops, not supposed to call Angelina "aunty". Anyway.. It was a really nice girlie sort of time. And I can't believe everyone shared to pay for my meal. If I had known I wouldn't have ordered so much cow's food. I kept going "Aiyo, aiyo" and Angelina was like "Why you aiyo aiyo!?" Anyway, thanks guys. I really appreciate it. My turn to pay next time!

Popped down to say hi to Darren who looks so darn cute in his little white shirt with black apron and Coffee Bean visor which presses his hair down and leaves a permanent mark.

Then went to SGGS to pass Sherilyn her birthday present which I hope she likes. I spent quite a long time making the stuff and decorating it :D but she looked really happy so it was all worth it.

Currently I am writing a book called "Letters to my Mother". Everyday, I compose a sort of journal entry addressed to my mum and I say all the things I want to say to her but am too afraid/proud/angry/sad to reveal in real life. Then on the last day before I leave, I will give it to her. Almost every day I analyse our arguments, and what we should have said or could have not said. And because I find it hard to say in real life, I must remind her everyday in this book that I really love her.

Nadal is in the quarter finals of the Shanghai Open and boy, he'd better win this. He's playing really well. But then everytime I say that he does something to screw up his chances of winning. But I still love him in all his muscular glory. I'm going to marry him one day I swear. After I finish a marathon. Make that several marathon(s). I have two more years to complete a marathon. I want/need to do one before I am 21 for peace of mind.

Ok I have lost my train of thought.

I am going to take a nap now.

Will update you about my make up course with Miss Su and Miss Kylie (who incidentally has my sex in a bag, soon to be made into sex in a cup). I am talking about French Roast and not some erotic night time toy.

I am damn sleepy.

4.27 a.m. is a little too early when you sleep at 1 a.m.

Disturbed

When things don't go to plan, I just get bloody pissed off.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGARHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRGAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGG

Harmony

the tiny rivulets

of narrow blue and

red pump through your

limbs like tireless

rivers of life and

your minutely twitching fibres

are

singing to each other

O what perfect symphony

this harmonious humming;

this melody of sharply indrawn breath,

feet pattering on tar,

hair so gentle on the shoulders,

and the orchestration of the rising sun.

this is you standing on

the very crest of the wave at

an infinitessimal moment in time,

before everything comes

crashing down to shore.

0940

121009

((=

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

- Oscar Wilde

o Lordy

LOOK AT THAT! HOW COULD YOU NOT LOVE THAT!

AND AS I WAS WALKING IN GURNEY YESTERDAY I PASSED THE NIKE SHOP (NOT THE SPORTY NIKE SHOP BUT THE NIKE SHOP WHERE THEY SELL GOING OUT CLOTHES) AND AND AND THERE WAS THIS HUGE POSTER OF NADAL IN A NIKE HOODIE! WONDER IF I CAN GET MY PARENTS TO CURI THIS ONE FROM THEM AS WELL.. THEN I CAN HAVE TWO LIFE SIZE NADALS IN MY ROOM!