Eye-Opener

Just got back from observing patients in the Physiology Department in GH. They were having a stroke clinic whereby patients who had had a stroke performed various simple exercises. I almost started crying in there. The effort it takes for some of them just to lift a leg. It made me so sad. Imagining myself being like that. Can't even stand up, what more run? And to step onto a 3 inch block. The pure grim determination on their faces when they kept faltering, stumbling, and trying again. Patient husbands, loving wives, waiting around them with bated breath. Never giving up. Never relinquishing hope.

Time to reevalute myself.

What I Really Mean When I Say I Love Running

So I'm known as the crazy little girl who apparently flies on her feet and gets up at insane, ungodly hours to run in the dark. I can't help it - I love running. But what do I really mean when I say I do?

My love for running extends beyond any superficial preoccupation with exercise and 'trying to lose weight' (which is completely unnecessary in my case, anyway). This is why I really dislike the treadmill. Running on treadmills makes me think I am exercising. I do not want to exercise. I want to run. The workout is secondary. Real running is my main concern. I am not saying running on the treadmill is not 'really' running. It is just a totally different concept. On a treadmill, you do not feel the roughness of gravel beneath your feet. You do not have to sidestep the occasional puddle. The coolness on your skin is from the gym's air conditioning and not the early morning moistness in the air. The scenery is static. In front of you are the telephone numbers of the treadmill's manufacturers that you have memorised, and instructions on how to use it (in English and French). There are buttons to make you start, cool down, or stop. The grey belt goes round and round, a repetitive exercise in circularity.

Through running I find solace. It is amazing how movements so simple and basic in nature can give birth to a passion so complex and overwhelming in all its entirety. One foot in front of the other, gentle swinging of the elbows, and feet light on the ground. Body bent slightly forward; minimal rotation of torso. This is dance. This is self expression. Poetry is being created with every step. My lungs and muscles are singing; my heart is going "Hallelujah!" (or "Bloody hell", depending on how much I'm pushing). This is ecstasy. This is absolute love. Everything is on fire. Outside and around me, perhaps the whole world is quiet and dark. Maybe I can hear the sound of a lone bird, or the song of a cicada. But inside me, blood is roaring in my pulsing veins, neurons are firing like machine guns, fibres are pulling and twisting and working together. I am sweating, breathing, and very, very much alive.

Because I love running, everything else has to be accommodated to fit my running schedule. Early mornings are reserved for me-time. My runs are essentially the only time I get to really lose myself in my own thoughts. I feel the release in my legs, and I feel the release in my mind. Each string of constructed memories and intertwined emotions is carefully extricated and relived in my brain. If a problem needs resolving, I don't sleep on it. I run on it. Why sleep, when you can run? To love running is to not care about how messy your hair is and the fact that it's in sweaty clumps, to disregard the amount of dirt on your legs because your heels kick up dust, to relish the fact that you have very few toenails and the ones left are already falling off, and to proudly display the blisters on your toes when you wear high heels.

Running is serious business. There is much that must be taken into account. A huge component would be food. Food is running fuel. Pre-run loading; post-run reward. Extremely necessary. Not always enjoyable to wake up at 3 a.m. and stuff my face, but it is required for performance. So what is required must be done. Then there is the calculation and spacing out of mileage. How much is too much? Is anything ever enough? Running is mathematics, in a way. Numbers must be balanced, equations must make sense. Problems must be solved. Solutions must be found.

I love running because it goes beyond physical. In fact, running is primarily mental and spiritual for me. No doubt I derive pleasure from the physical aspect of it: The unbreakable rhythm of my bodily movements, the endorphins swimming around in my system, the burning in my calves and thighs when sprinting up a hill, the relief in my legs after finishing a long run. But the ultimate satisfaction is internal. With running there is often chastising of self for not 'doing enough', feeling guilty for missing runs, cursing the weather when it rains and you've already planned and mapped out a whole lovely long route but God, now the whole schedule is going to go awry, etc, etc. Yet with running there is also much room for self-praise, personal gratification, a sense of purpose, and much more besides. I am lucky. I have found meaning for my life through running. Running is not only a passion. It is a lifestyle.

Running is my disease, but it is also my cure.

1025

231009

Nonsense

(Sing to the tune of Old MacDonald had a farm)

Old MacSarah loves to run

E I E I O

But while she ran she had some pain

E I E I O

Pain pain here,

Pain pain there,

Pain here pain there

Everywhere pain pain

Old MacSarah loves to run

E I E I O

Thoughts

I thought this thought 6 times this morning: The best part about running hills is when you get to the almost-top part and your legs are on fire and you've almost reached muscle failure but then you give the final push and the burn in your muscles propels you forward; calves, hamstrings and quadriceps and hundreds of other muscles you never knew you had all pushing you to the crest. And then it's downhill all the way and you don't have to do anything: Just fly.

I am getting very very bored of Gardens. It's so predictable. I know the position of every tree, shrub and soon this will probably extend to blades of grass.

Yesterday I had a nice lunch at Miraku with Sun Nee, Pin, Aunty G and her friend Angelina (Quote: You must always dress up before going out. Rain has a damn sexy butt.) Thank God the salads were huge to satisfy my cow's appetite. I don't normally eat out because I find it a bit difficult but yesterday I just let go. Laughed a lot. The two aunties are so funny. Oops, not supposed to call Angelina "aunty". Anyway.. It was a really nice girlie sort of time. And I can't believe everyone shared to pay for my meal. If I had known I wouldn't have ordered so much cow's food. I kept going "Aiyo, aiyo" and Angelina was like "Why you aiyo aiyo!?" Anyway, thanks guys. I really appreciate it. My turn to pay next time!

Popped down to say hi to Darren who looks so darn cute in his little white shirt with black apron and Coffee Bean visor which presses his hair down and leaves a permanent mark.

Then went to SGGS to pass Sherilyn her birthday present which I hope she likes. I spent quite a long time making the stuff and decorating it :D but she looked really happy so it was all worth it.

Currently I am writing a book called "Letters to my Mother". Everyday, I compose a sort of journal entry addressed to my mum and I say all the things I want to say to her but am too afraid/proud/angry/sad to reveal in real life. Then on the last day before I leave, I will give it to her. Almost every day I analyse our arguments, and what we should have said or could have not said. And because I find it hard to say in real life, I must remind her everyday in this book that I really love her.

Nadal is in the quarter finals of the Shanghai Open and boy, he'd better win this. He's playing really well. But then everytime I say that he does something to screw up his chances of winning. But I still love him in all his muscular glory. I'm going to marry him one day I swear. After I finish a marathon. Make that several marathon(s). I have two more years to complete a marathon. I want/need to do one before I am 21 for peace of mind.

Ok I have lost my train of thought.

I am going to take a nap now.

Will update you about my make up course with Miss Su and Miss Kylie (who incidentally has my sex in a bag, soon to be made into sex in a cup). I am talking about French Roast and not some erotic night time toy.

I am damn sleepy.

4.27 a.m. is a little too early when you sleep at 1 a.m.

Disturbed

When things don't go to plan, I just get bloody pissed off.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGARHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRGAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGG

Harmony

the tiny rivulets

of narrow blue and

red pump through your

limbs like tireless

rivers of life and

your minutely twitching fibres

are

singing to each other

O what perfect symphony

this harmonious humming;

this melody of sharply indrawn breath,

feet pattering on tar,

hair so gentle on the shoulders,

and the orchestration of the rising sun.

this is you standing on

the very crest of the wave at

an infinitessimal moment in time,

before everything comes

crashing down to shore.

0940

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((=

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

- Oscar Wilde

o Lordy

LOOK AT THAT! HOW COULD YOU NOT LOVE THAT!

AND AS I WAS WALKING IN GURNEY YESTERDAY I PASSED THE NIKE SHOP (NOT THE SPORTY NIKE SHOP BUT THE NIKE SHOP WHERE THEY SELL GOING OUT CLOTHES) AND AND AND THERE WAS THIS HUGE POSTER OF NADAL IN A NIKE HOODIE! WONDER IF I CAN GET MY PARENTS TO CURI THIS ONE FROM THEM AS WELL.. THEN I CAN HAVE TWO LIFE SIZE NADALS IN MY ROOM!

Sunday Run

Reaaaaaaally good run today. I felt excellent. Could have gone on some more. Comfortable pace. I weathered the weather. Roughly 27km (Malakoff route + 1 round of Jesselton). Time was around 2 hours 30 minutes but I took a terrified stop due to scary barking dogs, 5 minute toilet break, kept backtracking and running backwards to ask Sun Nee for directions (sorry ah kacau you so many times), and stopping to adjust the damn sole of my shoe which kept slipping. That's easily ten minutes wasted. Race day: must go faster, must glue shoe, must know exact directions, must pee and pee and pee before starting. Then everything will be awesome. This week, I hit 80km. How do I keep increasingly weekly, then?

Cadence is a very nice word.

I love running in the dark at 5 a.m. (Well, technically 5.15 a.m.) and you hear sounds around you but really, you're all alone and the silence is so profound and your legs are moving and you don't seem to hit the ground and everything is light as a feather and you start to sweat and it feels so damn good and you're keeping the pace and you're not thinking of anything at all and the rain starts falling in your eyes and despite that you just keep going and going and going and your feet have a life of their own; mind and body are separate entities but they are still one because they have to work together even though it's unconscious and there's so much communication between blood and bone and sinew and heart and emotions and all this is going on in you even though you don't know it, even though the rain is falling and the wind is blowing against you, you are unbeatable; you are indefatigable. Maybe this will only last for one day and I'll never have an experience like it again, but runs like these make me feel lucky to have legs and a 46 beats/min resting pulse.

We run because we are animals, and much more besides.

REMINDER TO SARAH S. CH'NG

ALWAYS STRETCH YOUR FASCIA LATA BEFORE AND AFTER EVERY RUN !

From One of My Fave Books of All Time

There is nothing quite so gentle, deep, and irrational as our running—and nothing quite so savage, and so wild.

- Bernd Heinrich, Why We Run: A Natural History

I read it three years ago and it's still one of my favourite books of all time even though I have read many good books in between.

I love differentiating and integrating. It makes me feel so differentiated and integrated.

Peace.

Hello my little people

Sorry for the severe lack of updates. Just didn't really have much to tell you about what's going on in my life right now. Got lovely late birthday presents from Sarah B and Mum (black Nike jacket with sparkles, long sleeve pink T and another white Reebok shirt). I started doing Maths exercises again. It's a relief to get the brain working. I can't believe I've been stagnant for so long. I feel like such a redundant fool. Did some medical check ups and took a couple of jabs yesterday. Filled in forms for the scholarship. Very troublesome. I spent about 5 hours just filling up three quarters and there's still so much to be done: passport, Visa, blablabla.

I really think I need help to curb my shopping. Went to Queensbay on Saturday and for no apparent reason besides the fact they were 50% off, I bought three Billabong shirts and a hat (even though I already have 6 hats and they're all very similar). I don't even wear hats to go out here. I always think "Aiyah what's the point, just going to Gurney only". So why do I buy? Good question. No answer. On that Saturday, Adidas was having a foot scanning thing to check what kind of feet you have and the degree of pronation. Well since I had nothing to do I checked mine out, but the line for the consultation was too long and the guy said they would be going to Gardens the next morning so I could just meet them there. So I said OK. He asked "Are you a runner?" I said "Hell yes I am" He said "You don't look like one". I just kept quiet. The next morning I was running in the Gardens and at around 6.30 a.m. I saw some Adidas people come set up their little booth. I continued running. On my 5th round it started to pour. Like, really heavily. I continued running. I was super soaked and it was super cold. Bloody fantastic. I ran faster. Passed the stupid little Adidas booth again and again. Finally when I finished I went up to the same guy I had met yesterday and said "Still don't think I look like a runner?" He was the one who kept quiet this time. They'd kind of packed up because the rain was so heavy. I still wanted a foot consultation though. So this other guy checked my foot. He said that I have normal feet but I over-pronate (I already know that). Apparently I need shoes with higher soles in the middle. But I love my Nike frees! Especially my 3.0. It's like running barefoot. So so so wonderful. Makes me feel more of an animal. Wait, do I want to be an animal or do I want to be a Kenyan?

Anyway after that I bathed and had TO MISS RPM BECAUSE IT WAS AH KONG'S 93RD BIRTHDAY. -.- Family reunions are excruciating. I went to take a passport photo as well but I was wearing red so I had to buy a black shirt since the black coat at the photo shop was too big. So we went into the first clothes shop we saw and not only did I buy a black shirt but of course I bought black heels as well (but they are lovely).

Now how could anyone not buy that?

And then after Sunday was Monday and then today is Tuesday and nothing substantial has happened. Bai